Another Modest Proposal Based on an essay by Jonathan Swift

A MODEST PROPOSAL
FOR FIXING THE U.S. AUTO INDUSTRY, AND MAKING VEHICLES LESS HARMFUL TO THE PLANET.

It is a depressing fact that Detroit, once the Mecca of auto manufactures, is essentially vacant as factories have closed their doors, and millions of workers have lost their jobs. Around the country, trucks and SUVs from the last model year sit in the parking lots of car dealers as their value decays exponentially, but still no one is willing to buy them. Gas prices rise, and summer starts earlier as the Earth bakes in hydrocarbon emissions, but many refuse to trade in their current gas guzzlers for fuel-efficient vehicles; until recently, we continued to signal to the shrinking giants that we wanted big, bulky, inefficient cars, so they refused to evolve. Now, over 8 billion bailout dollars later, the shrinking giants only need a few billion more to continue down their path towards failure as more Americans lose their jobs and the government creates more debts that will never be repaid.
I think it is agreed by all parties that we have to mend the auto giants because the economy is greatly affected by their downfalls, and the prospects for future generations are very grim as they will be faced with a new host of natural catastrophes based on climate change.
After careful consideration, I believe the U.S.’s first move should be to continue pouring money into private companies. This would protect the assets that they have already invested into each company’s leaking bank account. We should provide this money with no strings attached because government pressure may force executives to make rushed, un-thought out decisions as they try to please a group of people in addition to their buyers. The additional few billion dollars that the government would loan to the auto manufacturers could be used to increase production of the new, GREEN Hummer, Hybrid Yukon, and fuel-efficient Corvette, as activists will support these models after seeing their improvements and consumers will crave to join the Go Green phenomenon. The waiting list for these vehicles will be much shorter than the list for the Prius. Using hybrid engines in our SUVs could increase efficiency by 60%, or at least 5mpg, which would save gasoline.
The state governments should provide rebates of sales tax on SUVs that have already been produced while the federal government should give a one-time income tax rebate for buying a GREEN or hybrid SUV, or extremely aerodynamic and thus efficient American sports car, the ZR1 Corvette. This would encourage consumers to purchase all of the leftover vehicles that are already being offered at discount prices, and the money could be used to help payback some of the debt American automakers have with the federal government.
Europeans have remarked that they do not find the American auto market to be saturated with the same models of cars. They think that consumers enjoy fads and following trends, so it is perfectly logical to have partnered companies producing the same vehicle under a different name. This ensures that there are plenty of each desired model to go around and that the United Auto Workers do not have too little work.
There are no possible ways to solve this problem other than to continue to produce models that fit a trend that has been dying for over a decade. Smart cars will not work because they can barely fit two adult sized people, and they will get run over on interstate highways by tractor trailers. Electric cars are a failure. Do you want to be electrocuted while driving? Which ever Chevy employee thought of the Volt should be fired. Batteries will not work because stores will have trouble finding storage space for the huge rechargeable battery packs that the vehicles require. Driving cars that are practical for a person’s needs? That is absolutely ridiculous! I need my Hummer just in case I fall under sniper fire while driving or decide to drive through desert sand dunes. How dare Honda, Toyota, and Hyundai make reliable, small, efficient cars and sell them to conscientious Americans. Obviously anything with a small design is meant for the smaller roads of foreign countries, and not for commuting on the U.S. highway system. They are stealing business from American Companies. Instead of providing tax rebates for hybrid cars, the federal government should place a higher tax on these people to encourage them to buy big and buy American.
I am presenting this out of the goodness of my heart and the kindness of my observations. I will not benefit as a result of any change resulting from this essay as I own no shares of stock in any American auto companies, and because I am not looking to purchase a vehicle. Nor, will I live to see all of the polar ice caps melt.